When you live in another country long enough, it starts to feel like home. There are many things you like about it and some of the things that were difficult or strange at first become everyday and even enjoyable (except durien, of course.) But there also are a few things that can still be disturbing even after years.
In the third of my worlds, one of the things that I find distressing is women. Don't get me wrong, women in this country are not particularly oppressed as we commonly think of it. Many women are in government, running businesses, they are doctors, educators and the like. Women are vocal and women make the world go round and are the glue that holds family and community together. (I have smiled more than once as I hear a woman on a rampage over the back wall screaming at her man. The male voice eventually subsides while her voice rat-a-tats on for another quarter of an hour. I think an unspoken rule here is "Don't argue with a woman who's in a rage.")
What distresses me is the way some young women "prostitute" themselves for dreams of money, or for their families' dreams of money. The two main ways are by "marrying" foreigners and working as overseas contract workers. Let me share a few stories to try to explain.
Yesterday Ramona, a 26 year old school teacher, married a foreigner that she met over the internet. They had never met until he arrived two weeks ago to arrange a visa for her to accompany him back to his country. On the day of the wedding Ramona's mother discovered to her horror that the dress she had just bought for the wedding didn't fit. I mean, it really didn't fit, she couldn't even close the top. So she had to make a run to a local department store leaving all the guests gathering at the location. Ramona's groom-to-be had a temper tantrum threatening to get on a plane and leave if Ramona didn't come out without her mother and get on with the wedding. Poor Ramona's mother. She was already horribly embarassed at being the cause of the delay and then for the son-in-law to show so much disrespect in front of the guests, well, it doesn't bode well. Somehow he was calmed down and the wedding did proceed two hours later. They left today for his country. All I can say is that I wish Ramona well.
A friend of Ramona's, Daisy, will also be marrying a foreigner she met over the internet whom she has never met. Daisy, who is 20, will be getting married next month and will meet her fiancee a few days before the wedding. Unlike Ramona, Daisy didn't even finish high school. She finds it difficult to speak English. But she is convinced that God has given her this fabulous opportunity to marry a foreigner and have lots of money and move to his country. Her family is poor and lives in a remote village. They are very excited about the wedding. Again, all I can say is that I wish Daisy well.
It seems to be assumed that marrying a foreigner will make you a lot richer and you will have money to share with your extended family. I had a 20 year old neighbor, Peachie, with a three year old daughter. She had a foreign "husband" who supported her and his child. They had met in a bar when she was 17. He would show up about twice a year for a few weeks. He had a family in his own country and so they couldn't legally "marry". He was 60 years old. When he wasn't there her house was full of relatives who came and enjoyed sitting around eating for free and watching televison and not having to do anything . Peachie also eventually found a local boyfriend who along with the relatives, would get kicked out temporarily whenever the "husband" came. Peachie eventually got smart and moved into a smaller place that would hold fewer relatives and started saving money for the future.
When Joseph, a young attractive foreigner moved to town for a couple of years, the girls in his church youth group quickly determined who was going to be the one to set her hat, so to speak, for Joesph. (I think Joseph had no choice!) Coached by her mother, Lina made herself available to show him around town, to accompany him on errands. She visited his apartment, shopped for him, cleaned, arranged for his laundry and generally became indispensible. When Joseph left, Lina went with him and they were married there. Last I heard they are still together, both working.
But it is not only marrying foreigners. Another avenue is to be an overseas worker. I do not know how many thousands or tens of thousands of women and men go overseas every year to work in foreign countries. Most claim it is because they cannot find work here, or at least they cannot find good wages here. Many women work as domestic helpers.
Connie is a college graduate. She got pregnant her last year of college and married the father, a young man from her home town. He is a hard worker, a farmer, and owns his own land. But he did not finish high school. Connie feels acutely that neighbors laugh at her because she went off to the big city to earn a degree to be a teacher and now is just a housewife like them. Connie would get up at 4am to do the washing and get it hung up before daylight to avoid having to see the neighbors. Connie signed up to be a domestic helper in the middle east, telling every one that she is doing it for her 18-month old daughter's future. Connie went and has been there now for 2 1/2 years cooking and doing laundry for a family of five in the Middle East. Her mother is raising the daughter and hopefully saving the money Connie sends back.
Lira is also a college graduate. She applied to work as a singer in Japan, pleased that she had passed the audition. The company advanced her fare to the capital city. When she arrived she discovered that the job would also involve strip dancing in bars. She was upset but didn't have money to go back home. Indeed, every day the company "advanced" them a small amount of money for food that went onto their bill. So their debt to the company continued to increase. Other girls who were also initially reluctant, decided that they had no choice but to go ahead and agree to do the strip dancing because they had no money to pay off their ever-increasing debt and were too ashamed to ask family for help, especially since their families back home were so excited about all the money that they hoped to receive. Luckily for Lira, a former employer advanced her the money to pay off her debt and return home.
Another woman I met had worked two years as a domestic helper overseas, faithfully sending as much money back home as she possibly could, at great personal sacrifice. She was devasted upon returning home to find that the two brothers she thought were going to college had frittered away the money for other things and were not in school, that her family had not used the money to improve the house but had spent it on other things.
Rita, mother of seven, had gone to work in a clothing factory in the middle east for two years in an attempt to get cash for her childrens' future schooling. Upon arrival, she found she was only paid per piece of rather complicated sewing and her actual income was no better than she would have made at home. She was devastated but had signed a contract so she worked her two years and came home with almost nothing.
Of course for all the Ritas, Connies, and Liras, there are others who find that the work they do overseas is reasonably tolerable and they are able to save money. For all the families that fritter away the hard-earned money sent to them, there are many who do use the money wisely, for childrens' education, for home improvement, for starting a small business. For all the Ramonas, Daisys, Peachies, and Linas, most women who marry foreigners do seem to find at least some degree of financial benefit and some also find happiness. I guess those success stories are why young women continue to try those avenues.
But I still find it distressing to think of what some of these women will go through for their dreams of money. I guess there is nothing new under the sun....
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