Avoid offending if you can

The other day we had a discussion around several case histories of interpersonal conflict between members of the same team or working on the same project. The point of the exercise was to get people to discuss conflict resolution, how they would go about it appropriately in their culture. I was astonished that in each of the 4 cases the unanimous decision was to separate the two offended parties, give them new job assignments, transfer one or both, fire one or both. They always recommended that a third party be involved. They saw a difference between personality clash and moral or money issues. Yet in no case did they think that a resolution or restoration of the relationship was possible.

In one case where someone was accused of misusing funds I asked if the party in the wrong would publicly acknowledge that he was wrong. Again the answer was unanimously “no”. The closest to a public apology would be in the case of a violation of traditional law where the offender was deemed guilty and fined. By paying the fine, the issue is considered finished. It is understood as the same as a public acknowledgment of guilt. But apology? Apparently not possible.

I wonder if the case histories go too far? Each of them describe a work situation which ended in some sort of open conflict – either an argument in front of others or an open accusations of wrong doing. Was is that open conflict (in front of others) which made the group unanimously declare that no restoration of the relationship was possible? What if we instead asked how they might intervene and help the two parties resolve matters BEFORE it got to the state of open conflict? Does this indicate that open conflict is to be avoided at all costs? And should it occur, it is invariably fatal to the relationship?

What was also interesting is that the group we asked was made up of people from various ethnic groups around this country, all attending the same course. It seems astonishing that they would all think the same way. Or were they reluctant to discuss the topic for fear of offending others in the group? Makes one really think about the extent one needs to go to to avoid offending someone else.